Breaking up with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend is one thing and there’s a lot of advice out there for doing it, but what about a family break-up?
Most of us are not in a position to “just leave” nor do we feel we want to, or that it’s the right thing to do. So what do we do when a toxic family member (or members) is literally ruining out lives? How do we deal with the feeling of obligation, guilt, confusion and heartache?
It is important to note that not everyone’s family is there for them to lean on, to call on or to go home to. Not every family is built on the premise of interconnectedness, support and stability. Sometimes family simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some families build you up and some suck your energy dry.
There are relationships and friendships that just aren’t fixable—this includes family. There are situations that you can endure for only so long before you’ve grown them. There may come a crucial a time when you have to separate yourself from your family in order to do what is best for you and possibly for them.
In many respects, the way we were treated by our family ends up being the same treatment we offer the world.
Often times the signal and energy we put out into the world is similar to or exactly what we have experienced by others. And for most of us, this influential force has been our family. Think about it. Think about just how much the interaction, or lack there of, from our family, sets the tone for the quality of energy we give off during our lifetime.
What is unacceptable treatment?
Rejection, abandonment, not taking the time to get to know you or to be in your life, making you feel unwelcome, someone being competitive or hypercritical of you, pressuring or forcing you to be someone you are not, blaming, ostracizing, manipulating, belittling, neglecting and abusing you…the list goes on and on and on. These types of experiences can make a deep imprint on our hearts and inhibit our ability to react without them being present in the back of our mind’s. Our reactions to life become sceptical, doubtful, fearful and we more often see the dark instead of the light in both people and situations.
These negative experiences can jade us for a lifetime, unless we learn to do whatever it takes to get ourselves into a positive nurturing environment and replace negatively influenced reactions with positive ones.
What are the signs indicating that you could use a break or change?
-Your own health and mental well-being is damaged
-You feel emotionally, physically and/or spiritually injured
-The relationships with your immediate family/spouse/partner is suffering
-There is violence, physical and/or emotional abuse
-There is substance abuse
-There are constant struggles for power
-There is unnecessary distrust and disrespect
What to do, how to get out…
1. Get group help. If it’s possible and your family/family member is up for it, get counselling.
2. If it’s possible move out. Move in with a friend, your partner, an extended family member. Get to a place where people want to be with you, try to move into a nurturing environment.
3. Accept your parents or family member’s limitations. Know that you don’t have to repeat their behaviour. You are not them.
4. Allow yourself to get angry. Use it productively. Exercise. Do sports. Use art and creative expression. Write in a journal. Don’t withhold your emotions.
5. Seek guidance for yourself. Talk to someone, a counsellor, a life coach, your yoga teacher—anyone who will listen, someone you feel comfortable with. Ask for help with change and with taking risks.
6. Limit your time. Do whatever it takes to limit the amount of time you have to spend with the toxic family/family member. Limit visits, holidays, do what you can to prevent as much conflict as possible.
7. Set healthy boundaries. Try to not allow yourself to get sucked back in. You can love and wish them the best from a distance.
8. Learn ways to protect yourself. Practice meditation. Learn to be patient with yourself and others.
9. Become aware of yourself. Observe your reactions. Become more self-aware in order to break negative patterns as much as you can.
10. Practice doing good things for yourself. Do things that build self-esteem. Do things you enjoy. Invite others that love you along.
11. Create balance in your life. Take care of yourself physically and eat a balanced healthy diet. Be aware and be cautious of things you may do compulsively (eating, shopping, drinking, etc)
12. Take charge of your life and your happiness. Don’t wait for others to give it to you.
Is it wrong to hold grudges (is life too short)?
Letting go can prove to be more helpful (even life saving) than grasping at toxic strings, looking for what ifs or chasing disillusioned beliefs. At the end of the day, we are all certainly in this together, but each of us have an honest obligation to do what is best for our selves. You can be a lantern of hope, you can lead my example but you can’t force anyone to change.
Have you experienced a family break up?
Do you have any suggestions?
The Goddess of never not broken.
You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?
Come on, yes you do. We all do.
And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.
This past week, I have been deeply inspired by a talk I heard on the Yoga Teacher Telesummit by Eric Stoneberg on this relatively unknown Goddess from Hindu mythology: Akhilandeshvari.
This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She keeps coming out of my mouth every time I teach, and she’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.
The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile. Yee ha.
Akhilandeshvari:
“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.
But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.
It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.
Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.
The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.
And of course, this is terrifying.
But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?
This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.
Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.
By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:
Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.
Photo: Justin Graham
That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.
If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.
So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.
All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.
But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.
~
News: Eric Stoneberg is offering a telecourse starting this January 2012 that gets deeper into the stories of Akhila and other fascinating Tantric Gods and Goddesses. I’ll be there (virtually), and if you want to learn more, you should check it out here: http://bit.ly/tyhEwj
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Want to write?
Julie (JC) Peters has been practicing yoga on and off from the tender age of 12, and it has gotten her through everything from the horrors of teenagedom to a Master’s degree in Canadian Poetry. She teaches creative and dynamic vinyasa flow, calm and fluid Hatha, meditative Yin yoga, and fiery core strength classes. Julie owns East Side Yoga Studio in Vancouver with Coco Finaldi, and is also a freelance writer and spoken word poet.
By Shani Silver (Refinery 29)
Sometimes the simplest ideas can be the most game-changing. When we spotted this nail sticker DIY on The Beauty Department, we literally couldn’t stop ourselves from giving it a try immediately. It’s simplistic genius at its best, and better still, it works!
This clever trick involves painting nail polish onto Scotch tape, letting it dry (important), and then cutting it into desired shapes and applying to your nails. Never again will you stress about getting your lines and shapes just-so. Let your scissors do the work for you, instead.
We do suggest applying two generous coats of clear topcoat afterward though, to seal your shapes in place and prevent peeling. Also, the smaller your scissors, the more intricate your shapes can be. Knitting scissors would work wonders here. Is it just us, or did nail art just get insane?
Creeping on Fab.com, this new type of furniture caught my eye.
Super cheap price! Totally intrigued. Scroll down to product specs and saw a new material totally unfamiliar with… Enviroboard.
Fastforward an hour of research.. Enviroboard = fancy cardboard.
On Fab.com’s product spec for SmartDeco there is a warning to keep the furniture away from water. From my observation/ personal experience, most college kids are around lots of liquid (Beer). Not to mention smoke (ie. cigarettes). This has to be some sort of hazard!
Instantly, turned off.
The company offers a video on how to “assemble” (fold) the furniture.
Intellidesk from SmartDeco on Vimeo.
Still not sold. However SmartDeco’s target audience is college kids to lazy to move regular furniture.
My vote, product is Dumb. What do you think?
Three sophisticated, actually-wearable hairstyle ideas from Paris fashion week.
1. Bobby-pinned low ponytails at Cacharel
The deep side part and trio of bright bobby pins make this pony look like a chic, 1920s-ish little bob.
2. Braided top knots at Alexis Mabille
OK, I know this top knot juts out a bit much, but picture the hairstyle with a flatter bun. Don’t the braids add a nice element?
3. Sleek faux bobs at Roland Mouret
This look’s actually very similar to the Cacharel look above (we told you faux bobs were a huge trend!), only the hair is allowed to fall forward over the face vs. being pinned back.
You wouldn’t have to wear your hair over your eye like the above model, though. Here’s a more pushed-back, vision-friendly version.
Do you like any of these three hairstyle ideas from the Paris runways? Which might you try?
Guess what, guys! The faux bob we loved on Taylor Swift and Vanessa Hudgens was also a big hit at New York Fashion Week this season. Come check out 7 different variations on the hairstyle – some super simple, some intensely teased and sprayed – and tell me how you’re feeling about the trend.
Super “done” faux bobs appeared in Rodarte and Oscar de la Renta’s fall shows and on indie label Chadwick Bell’s runway. They certainly have a way of making clothes look ultra ladylike, right?
Rodarte fall 2012
Oscar de la Renta fall 2012
Chadwick Bell fall 2012
On the lazy girl end of the spectrum comes faux bobs created simply by tucking hair into coats and collars. I proclaimed my love for this look early in the week at Organic by John Patrick and was so happy to see it pop up on other runways.
Organic by John Patrick fall 2012
Zero + Maria Cornejo fall 2012
Edun fall 2012
Altuzarra fall 2012
Which version of the faux bob do you prefer? Are you loving this trend as much as I am? Do you consider the hair tuck to be its own thing or do you think it gets the same point across?
Last month I was asked by a friend to do hair and make up for a test video shoot. The company he mostly styles is Nike. So when I was asked to help him, I naturally accepted! For those who have yet been “behind the scenes”, this should give you a little idea of how it is!
Note: These photos are from my IPhone, and they are to show a teeny taste of what it looks like behind the scenes. They do not promote Shawk! or Nike.
Location: Shawk! Studio
Producer: Chelsea, Ford and Shawk!
Art Director: Christina Tillman, Shawk!
Videographer/Photographer: Chris, Shawk!
Stylists: Ryan and Aime, Shawk!
Model: Laura, Ford
Brand/Client: Nike
Hair and Make Up: Toni Scott Vanity Specialist/ Ruby Room
Chosen mediums
Hair:Shu Uemura
Bumble and Bumble
Skin Prep: Arcona
Make Up: Air Brush, Temptu and Dinair
M.A.C
Make Up Forever
Senna
Crown Brushes
Walking into Shawk! I was greeted by the very sweet receptionist who’s desk was in front of a wall of photography I am assuming was shot shot at Shawk!. All well known brands, which sent my nerves on overload. Thanks to my friend, and co-worker at Ruby Room, Laura Fritz for the moral support. I may have been even more akward if she was not with me!
Most of the work that comes from Chicago is commercial. Meaning commercial advertising. Common shots are soft goods, like bedding or anything from bed bath and beyond. Apparel from Bloomingdales, Sears, Macy’s and more. L.A. typically film and fashion. NYC is the fashion and beauty mecca in North America. Mostly editorial (think Vogue) as well as Film.
I was guided through a labyrinth of sets and micro rooms. It was amazing and very confusing to turn a corner and look! there is a set with a mini living room set up, next corner, a headless and footless RIPPED manikin in Under Armor, the next turn and through heavy curtains my room! AKA dressing room. Equip with huge mirror, vanity lights, a stool and a chair.
With my attention span, which is easily distracted. I notice every detail of every thing in my surroundings. Shimming and gawking in the AMAZING perfectly lined up shoes, belts, and hanging freshly steamed clothes. We made it through wardrobe, and me WISHING I had as much space in my closet to replicate. Mesmerized and slightly nervousness, we made it to the video test shoot set. To my left…Riding lawn mower in a large set fully done up, grass and all. Me. slightly weird-ed out. Shook it off once I saw the set for the shoot. Instantly became excited and ready to work my magic.
When you think of a photo shoot, maybe you think of Americas next top model. However not the case. Most photo shoots are very very chill. This is point and case why I LOOOOOVE being a freelance hair and make up artist. There is no insane rush, and need to be “on “or this militant slave. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE being behind the chair. Without this balance of the freedom to create, and “do me”. I may not be able to be the best possible me!
Alright, back on topic. Behind the scenes of a photo shoot… In this case video shoot. Most behind the scenes artists,are your typical artists. A little quiet, and always awkward at first. However its chill. I’m always prepped beforehand on the look, and what they are shooting. With Nike, the image you first think of is exactly what it is. Yoga, workout gear, ect. The look to achieve? Simple hair and make up. By simple, I mean that it will look like the model has no make up on and to the consumer she will appear as she is effortlessly flawless. Real life. Lots of make up, Mostly by airbrush. Under any sort of intense light with a white background, pigments get drawn out. Including the ones we don’t want to show. AKA tiny blemishes and circles under the eyes. Flyways are by the millions by the HD lens. Enter my role, make up and hair artist, AKA Vanity Specialist!
Stay tuned for pictures and video of the three video shoots for Nike!
XO
Toni
Oil Change
Shu Uemura Cleansing Oil Shampoo
In pursuit of a perfectly purified mane, we’ve tested almost every oil-fighter under the sun—seriously—but after just one use of Shu Uemura’s new Cleansing Oil Shampoo, we are hair over heels. All things considered, we suggest you follow our lead and treat your lackluster locks to an oil change!
Formulated from deep-sea volcanic extracts, this revolutionary oil-to-foam cleanser gently washes away built-up impurities and leaves our tresses lightweight, lustrous and magically free from even a hint of unwanted grease. Between the rich lather, calming yuzu fragrance and paraben-free formula, it will have you sporting the silky, smooth hair of your dreams. Sound fab? Lather, rinse and repeat with Shu Uemura and start singing the praises of a well-oiled shampoo!
Availability: Shu Uemura Cleansing Oil Shampoo ($55). For additional information, visit Shuuemuraartofhair-usa.com.
Resource:http://www.thezoereport.com/shu-uemura-cleansing-oil-shampoo/
Now before I tell this story I have to refer to an earlier post by the one and only Resha, on The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
Jen and I have both read the books, watched the Swedish version of the movie and the week of New Years we saw the new version out in theaters. The movie was amazing, I was worried that it wouldn’t be able to hold up against, one the grittiness of the book, and two the remarkable portrayal of Lisbeth Salander that Noomi Rapace does in the Swedish movie. However I was shocked, in a good way. Rooney Mara shines in this movie. She is everything I had hoped for and more in this new visual depiction of the amazing character that is Lisbeth Salander.
As amazing as she was, one of my favorite things about her portrayal was the makeup! OMG the makeup stole the show for me. Those bleached brows, the intense wet slick and packed black shadows….
This brings me back to the point of this post, New Years Makeup! Jen allowed me to use my creative muscle and rock out some pretty artistically intense makeup.
For New Years, I was blessed with the lovely privilege of doing 9 makeup applications. All before my group of friends stumbled down to La Salle Power Company and tried to get the most out of our evening’s ticket deal!
Several Smokey eyes, an amazing deep rep lip, some soft looks, and of course some great contouring. What a glorious way to ring in the New Year!
My favorite by far had to be my prime lady… Jenny.
Preface. Jen normally doesn’t wear much makeup so I was completely stoked when I told her my inspiration was Rooney Mara in the movie and she was ready to let me go with it!
FIRST: Too Faced Shadow Insurance: applied all over her lid, into her brows, and under her eyes.
SECOND: Fill in brows in with Anastasia’s Brow definer: This helps her face handle the power of intense black eyeshadow.
THIRD: filled in top and bottom lash line with, Too Faced Perfect Black Liner.
(I love this stuff because not only is it waterproof but it is tear proof as well, so the saline in your tears won’t break it up or ruin it’s intensity).
FOURTH: A combination of Inglot’s matte black shadow #391, Too Faced matte black shadow from their Naked Eye Kit, and Too Faced matte black shadow from their new Smokey Eye Kit. BRUSH: Becca Eye Colour Wash #36
Pressed custom blend all over her lower lid. (from crease to lash line).
Note:Utilizing a pressing motion rather than windshield-wiping style you apply more color, with less fall out, and deeper pigment grabs on the lid.
FIFTH: Urban Decay 24/7 Shadow Pencil Blending Brush to pack black into the crease and draw the angle to which the shadow extends from the corner of the eye.
Brush: blending brush (Too Faced 3 Essential Shadow Brushes Set) I blended while applying more black color beyond the crease of the eye.(I perfected the shape, and drew some of the color into the inner corner and slightly down the bridge of the nose).
Finished the shadow with my Too Faced Smudge Brush (3 Essential Shadow Brush Set), which by the way is my new obsession in brushes for Smokey eyes!
Noted: The shadow under the eye, and applied more to the lower lash line until the entire eye was packed with solid matte black shadow.
Lashes: Curled, and finished with my two fave lash loves, Dior Show Mascara in Black and Too Faced Size Queen Mascara in Black.
On Jen’s face: (Naturally perfect complexion) a bit of contouring.
Lips: Nude.
Rooney Mara rocked the eccentric bad ass look, thank you for the inspiration. Thank you Jen for letting me makeup nerd out this New Years!
Love Lindsay
When we gushed over Lauren Conrad’s glam wavy hairstyle last week, some of you asked: But what happened to the bright “tips” she recently added to her hair (which we were all strangely infatuated with)? Well look–they’re back! With matching nails!
But some mystery remains, because now Lauren appears to have just blue streaks, sans the pink that was also there when she first wrote about colorful hair tips for her beauty blog, The Beauty Department (not to be confused with our own Girls in the Beauty Department, naturally! Oh, Lauren. We remain so flattered.)
That’s not all, though. Look at Lauren’s blue “ombre” manicure–meaning each nail is a different shade within the same color family. She has blogged about the ombre nails trend; it appears Lauren is determined to really practice what she preaches on that site! And practice it all at once. (She’s even got some mini braids going on in the above pic. Whew, I am exhausted just contemplating all these trends at once! I think I need to go take a nap.)
So what do you think? I just can’t wait to hear. Love the hair? The nails? What about both together?
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Photo: Getty Images
by Petra Guglielmetti
Read More http://www.glamour.com/beauty/blogs/girls-in-the-beauty-department/2011/07/lauren-conrads-blue-hair-strea.html#ixzz1iSzPJxzf
